She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
