And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
