Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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