Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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