walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
