if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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