just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
