He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
