Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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