We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
