Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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