I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
