You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
