he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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