i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize