After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
