it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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