"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
