i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
