Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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