Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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