hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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