she looked like the bat from fern gully.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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