im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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