Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
