we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
