The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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