Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize