I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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