Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
