Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize