You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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