Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
