No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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