Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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