Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
