yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
