If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
