I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize