It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize