someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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