Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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