T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
