something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
