Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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