I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
FUCK WHALES
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