Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Randomize
