things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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