i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
