2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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