I puked a lego.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
