I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Come share oat with me in your robe
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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