I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
