Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
