I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize