We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Where did you get a picture of my penis
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
